The Sources of Marital Conflict

By Bp. Joseph Boyd (Ancient Church of the West)

What is a power struggle in a marriage? Marital conflict and “power struggle” are one and the same, and there is a plethora of psychological and counseling texts that deal with this major area of study in the therapeutic context. In this paper, we will explore the basic outlines of this area of study. “Marital conflict has deleterious effects on mental, physical, and family health, and three decades of research have yielded a detailed picture of the behaviors that differentiate distressed from non-distressed couples… Recently, researchers have tried to paint a more textured picture of marital conflict by studying spouses’ backgrounds and characteristics, investigating conflict in the contexts of support giving and affectional expression, and considering the ecological niche of couples in their broader environment.” (Marital Conflict: Correlates, Structure, and Context, by Frank D. Fincham, Psychology, Department, University at Buffalo, Buffalo, New York) By examining the dynamics of marital power and the ways in which they combine to create greater and lesser degrees of conflict, we can come to a basic understanding of the paradigms needed to counsel couples considering marriage or who have already married and are reaping the unpleasant fruits of insufficient preparation.

What are the common reasons for such struggles? Dr. H. Norman Wright states in his seminal text, “The Premarital Counseling Handbook” - “In a marriage relationship, power is the ability of one spouse to influence or change the behavior of the other. The one with the greater power is usually the one who somehow controls the actions of the other person. But how? Perhaps through making most of the decisions or through having control over the finances or making more money. There may be an exception to this concept, however. When you look at a marriage in which one earns and controls the money, initially it may seem that the breadwinner has more power. But this may be offset by the wife who stays home, is very satisfied with her role, and has great influence in the areas of child-rearing, social life, directing where the finances are spent – or by having greater knowledge about running the home than her spouse. Unfortunately, some spouses are trapped and kept in a posture of dependency by a partner who deals out the finances when he sees fit. This type of helplessness breeds depression, resentment, and often major conflicts.” (H. Norman Wright,  “The Premarital Counseling Handbook”, 1992, Chicago: Moody Press, pg 191) While this sums up the process of power in a nutshell, but there is also a dynamic which he fails to mention here, but has been drawn out by family systems studies psychologists and used to diagnose and treat children, that of an internalization/externalization of power. 

Internal/External Models of Power

Internal and External Locus of Control are evident in discerning the motivations individuals have for getting and keeping power. “A study by Brian Jory and his colleagues (1997) discovered that, in families with adolescents, power is not limited strictly to parental behavior, but is a property that affects the family system as a whole in terms of communication, bargaining, how affect is expressed, and how solutions to problems are generated. The study found four types of family locus of control. In families with individualistic locus of control, power resided in individuals who looked out for themselves. In these families, communication was egocentric and calculated, affect could turn negative or aggressive, and individuals sought solutions that benefited themselves at the expense of others. In families with authoritarian locus of control, power was located in the parents, particularly the father whose role as head of household was pronounced. Communication in these families was directed one-way from fathers to mothers and mothers to children, affect was stilted, and bargaining was nonexistent as solutions to problems took the form of parental pronouncements, exclusively by fathers. In families with external locus of control, nobody in the family was viewed as having power, and control seemed to be located in circumstances, fate, or the control of others. Communication in these families was chaotic, affect was directed towards others outside the family, and solutions to problems were sought from authority figures and others who were viewed as having control. In families with collaborative locus of control, communication was systematically elicited from each family member, ideas were valued, affection was warm, supportive, and caring, and great effort was dedicated to find solutions to problems that had the least negative impact on individuals and would benefit the group as a whole.” (Carrie L. Yodanis, “Power - FAMILY RELATIONSHIPS, MARITAL RELATIONSHIPS”)

Power and Accountability

Two strong-willed individuals with no clear boundaries or spheres of responsibility are the typical couple with power-struggle issues. Difference between wants and a lack of agreement on core values, where the egotistical needs of the individual and the needs of the family are confused, are the seedbeds of immaturity that often sprout into life-altering conflict and interpersonal difficulty. Only through accountability with a third entity, in Christian marriages, Jesus Christ, can peace be restored and order accepted as both learn to submit one to another. When this outside reality is brought to bear, then the couple can start learning to depend on one another, which is the core process in conflict resolution. This requires the couple to learn “Cycles of Parent-Child” in which individuals move between Dominant and Submissive positions. Couples become “One” and this process means that there is no “Masculine” or “Feminine” – “Completely dominant or completely submissive position” – but a complex interplay of strengths and weaknesses, helpful “upper” and “lower” positions. Once this is established and couples can “submit ye one to another”, then they can use their strengths and gifts for their marriages advantage and defer in areas of weakness to the strength of their mate. Describing this process, having counselees list out strengths and weaknesses and talking to one another strategically about planning how to do this and define roles is one of the best things a Marriage Counselor can do to bring resolution to this area of conflict.

Power Styles and Common Combinations

Types of power dynamics in a marriage are many, ranging from the completely non-competitive, such as the “Passive-Passive” to the explosive and difficult to counsel “Aggressive-Aggressive.” Between these two extremes there are…

1.     Passive-Submissive (pg 196) – This is when the one role does not initiate leadership and the other role “goes with the flow” and follows out of a need for protection, identity or because of insecurity. These are “low performance couples” that have little drive and low levels of conflict. They often suffer from a lack of meaning or direction.

2.     Passive-Aggressive (pg 196) – This combination occurs when one role is non-initiative and non-responsive and the other role is anger-motivated towards dominance, control and drivenness. This couple is often leads to the “abused wife syndrome”, where, despite the ability to initiate change and leave the relationship, the woman passively “takes it” and ends up enabling the aggressor throughout life. 

3.     Passive Sufferers (pg 196) – These are a singular type of personality resulting from association with an abusive spouse or boyfriend/girlfriend mentioned above.

4.     Assertive-Controlling (pg 197) – Assertive types are normally intellectually and egotistically fueled, rather than anger driven. These types, paired with the “controller”, who is normally fear-oriented, are often hyper perfectionistic, competitive, and struggle maintaining equilibrium amongst themselves.

5.     Assertive-Adapter (pg 197) – The assertive makeup, with its highly egotistical bent, forces an otherwise intellectually and emotionally balanced individual into the “adaptive role”, where they must compensate for the drive and psychological foibles of their partner. This is often seen in wealthy, well educated “power couples”, where one of the spouses must take a subordinate role, even though they are otherwise well matched.

The Goal of Balance

A balance of power must be the ultimate goal in marital and premarital counseling. This can only come to the couple through trust, "out-security", mutual respect and love. This is recommended in Scripture when the Bible says “Preferring one another in love” and “Submitting yourselves one to another.” People are happiest in a marriage when they have an area of “expertise”, a sacred domain that is respected as their own, and to which the other spouse will submit. This allows the wife to have an element of control over her husband, as the husband has an element of control over the wife. The more equal and balanced this power is, the more harmonious the relationship will be, and the more happy the husband and wife will be about their relationship with one another.

Bibliography:

1) Frank D. Fincham, “Marital Conflict: Correlates, Structure, and Context”, Psychology Department, University at Buffalo, Buffalo, New York

2) Carrie L. Yodanis, “Power - FAMILY RELATIONSHIPS, MARITAL RELATIONSHIPS,” http://family.jrank.org/pages/1316/Power.html

3) H. Norman Wright,  “The Premarital Counseling Handbook”, 1992, Chicago: Moody Press