Birth Order and Marriage

By Bp. Joseph Boyd (Ancient Church of the West)

Introduction

Birth order is a highly predictive psychological tool that helps us to understand how people relate to their families, wider friend groups and love interests, and helps us to define some of the patterns with which we use to relate to the world. Dr. Norman Wright, an expert in this field of psychological research, introduces the concept of birth order clearly and succinctly in his book, “The Premarital Counseling Handbook.” He says, “It is important to note the number of brothers and sisters and the individual’s own position in the family of order. Was he the oldest, youngest or middle child? Was he the oldest of brothers or sisters? If they were the youngest, were the other brothers or sisters? …One theory holds that sibling position can be looked upon as a role that a person has learned in the family and has a tendency to assume in situations outside of the family. These roles can be quite similar or modified. …Knowing the birth order of a person is helpful in understanding his or her tendencies, or “his particular bent.” The birth position can affect the relationship to his/her partner…” (Norman H. Wright, The Premarital Counseling Handbook, 1992, Moody Press, pgs. 110-111) Thus, the parameters of our study are clearly set. Birth order is a worthwhile area of study for the counselor trying to prepare young couples for the intense, personality-based adjustments that will come through the process of Christian marriage. 

The Origins of the Birth Order Theory

The foundations of the theory of psychological birth order are convoluted, but the earliest literature is clearly not a part of the Christian counseling tradition. “Alfred Adler was the first researcher to identify the significance of birth order, and more importantly, he emphasized the essential element as psychological birth order rather than ordinal birth order.” Secular psychology now uses birth order as one of the variables considered in the process of counseling and analysis, and it is clearly not only a result of the actual birth order, but the relationships within a family. “Adler (1956) states “it is not the child’s number in the order of successive births which influences his character, but the situation into which he is born and the way in which he interprets it” (p. 377). This is the definition of psychological birth order used in the current research.” (Healy, N. A., Scheidegger, T. H., Ridley Meyers, A. L., & Friedlen, K. (2009, March). The relationship between psychological birth order and romantic relationships. Paper based on a program presented at the American Counseling Association Annual Conference and Exposition, Charlotte, NC. Available at https://www.counseling.org) A counselor must make an effort to discern the perceived birth order of an individual in relationship to their siblings, which can be affected by spacing of births, the death of a sibling, divorce or separation. All these factors can modify the relationship of a child to a parent and thus change the perception of responsibilities, reactions, advantages and disadvantages that characterize different positions within a family. 

Birth Order as a Christian Counseling Tool 

Birth order’s centrality in Christian marriage counseling is mainly due to the fact that childhood roles are carried on into adulthood and inform every other role we undertake. Dr. Kevin Leman, the undisputed Christian psychological expert on the subject of birth order, and its main popularizer, says, “A thriving marriage isn't instant. It requires two people working together in an environment of love, support and mutual respect. Loving your mate means understanding how he or she views life, keeping in mind that birth order will influence that viewpoint. Regardless of how birth order plays out in your marriage, both of you can choose to change how you respond to and interact with each other. (https://www.focusonthefamily.com/marriage/communication-and-conflict/how-birth-order-affects-your-marriage Page 5 of 6, by Dr. Kevin Leman) Therefore, birth order is not a “birth sign” or a “horoscope” that predicts an inevitable outcome, but merely shows the propensities of an individual that can, through effort and growth, be overcome. 

Birth Order Patterns 

As in all areas of conflict, we often find the people most like our self to be the most challenging and irritating. “Marrying in your own birth order can lead to problems, so the question is, what is the best combination for a happy marriage? From my own counseling experience, I draw this general guideline: For a happy marriage, find someone as opposite from your birth order as possible. Opposites not only attract, they are usually good for one another in a marriage setting. Psychologists have done studies that prove this theory. According to their research, only children and last borns supposedly make the best match, followed by first borns and last borns. Next come the middle children and last borns.” This is a rule of thumb that should be applied by all counselors, but, of course, depending on the maturity and flexibility of the couple, there are many successful exceptions to the rule.

The following birth order combinations are distilled from Wright, Leman, Scheidegger, and Meyers: 

1) Only Borns rule and blame, seeing themselves as indispensible and others as naturally submissive to their interests. They struggle with First Borns over power, which they feel they naturally deserve, but only see their responsibility for mismanagement with difficulty – which makes First Borns feel the Only is dictatorial and irresponsible. 

2) First Borns Manage/Rule by delegated authority and are concerned with harmonizing others interests, often seeing themselves as dispensable. First borns are bland, perfectionistic, often self-repressing, and have difficulty expressing their own desires against those of authority figures. They tend to be ruled by Onlies, and react to the rebellion of Middles, and tend to be brought to life, entertained and comforted by the Last Born personality type. 

3) Second Borns oppose older siblings’ authority, often defining themselves in terms of opposition, can be burnt out by conflict and hold bitterness for older sibling’s mismanagement. They do best with last borns or Only’s, who are not concerned with restricting or controlling their actions. 

4) Middle Borns mediate, can be secretive, play it safe, and obscure for protection. They are often overly pragmatic and try to minimize negative communication and emotion. This 3rd Born personality type is a good match for Onlies, Firsties, and Lasties, but tend not to get along with the rebellious Secondy. The Thirdy tends to always promise and be amicable, and relies on “sneak attack” and unreliable behavior to protect their own self-interests. 

5) Last Borns charm, throw tantrums, get away with extremes, and shift blame. This personality type is the classic “manipulator”, they make excellent salesmen, and with a slightly pathological bent, they are instant conmen. Their positive characteristics tend to be good humor, instant emotional recognition and resonance, and the ability to put stressed-out Only and First Borns at ease.

(The commonly noted “ideal match-ups” are - First/Only + Last Borns, Middle Borns and Last Borns. “Less ideal couplings” are often documented as being - First Born and Only, Middle-Born and Middle Born, Last Born and Last Born, Only and Only.) 

Limits of the Use of Birth Order

Dr. Leman often points out that there are no “set outcomes” with birth order, so caution should be made by those employing it as a diagnostic to approach it as just one of many factors, and not to treat it as a science. “Keep in mind there are no guarantees that a certain birth order combination will lead automatically to a successful or miserable marriage. But the point is that there are indicators in birth-order information that can help a couple deal with any tensions they may have.” (http://www1.cbn.com/best-marital-pairings, Excerpt from "Chapter Eleven: Birth Order Marriages Aren't Made in Heaven" in The New Birth Order Book Copyright 1998 Kevin Leman. Published by Fleming H. Revell, a division of Baker Book House Co., Grand Rapids, Michigan.) As in all things, wise counselors must be cautious about its correct application. 

Bibliography 

1) Wright, Norman H., The Premarital Counseling Handbook, Moody Press, 1992 

2) Healy, N. A., Scheidegger, T. H., Ridley Meyers, A. L., & Friedlen, K. (2009, March). The relationship between psychological birth order and romantic relationships. Paper based on a program presented at the American Counseling Association Annual Conference and Exposition, Charlotte, NC. Available at https://www.counseling.org

3) https://www.focusonthefamily.com/marriage/communication-and-conflict/how-birth-order-affects-your-marriage Page 5 of 6, by Dr. Kevin Lehman 

4) Excerpt from "Chapter Eleven: Birth Order Marriages Aren't Made in Heaven" in The New Birth Order Book Copyright 1998 Kevin Leman. Published by Fleming H. Revell, a division of Baker Book House Co., Grand Rapids, Michigan. Available at http://www1.cbn.com/best-marital-pairings.