Why Stay in a Loveless Marriage?

By Bp. Joseph Boyd (Ancient Church of the West)

The typical modern Western ideal for marriage is that it is based completely on personal decision and romantic affinity, not considering race, religion, class, geography, and fertility. Recently, as the media and political organization have experienced more powerful forms of mass manipulation into the very heart of culture and personality, even gender, sexual orientation, and natural order are considered illegitimate boundaries for the romantic ideal. People are now asked to seriously consider “falling in love” with homosexuals and transgendered individuals, which would have been considered a “bridge too far” just a decade ago. Because of the abject idealization of the romantic experience, and the widespread acceptance of the idea that falling and being in love is the highest possible good experienced purely on an individual and singular level, the consideration of inter-generational expectations, religious and cultural problems, communication and the disability or disadvantage of progeny are considered illegitimate questions. “Fools” now “rush in where angels fear to tread.” 

This confusion about love and marriage is the natural outworking of an extreme individualist and postmodern/deconstructionist understanding of the purpose of the cultural, religious and psychological institution of marriage. “Cultural Constructs” are felt to be innately evil and restrictive, merely because they justify and uphold a natural human lifestyle and agree on the differences in biological gender, which is identified with feminists and cultural critics as “repressive” and “sexist.” The purpose of the modern society, according to these individuals, is to upend natural law through man-made legislation, changing cause and effect to fit man’s political agendas (i.e., sexual activity should not result in pregnancy or disease, children should not be attached to just a biological mother and father, but to whomever the parent decides they love, etc.). There should be no consequences as to whom or what one loves, and all romantic and sexual expression is equal, protected, a fundamental human right, and completely without natural compulsion. The human heart reigns supreme – unless you disagree with this view, in which case your heart is bigoted and must be erased from the culture and eradicated from the marketplace of ideas. 

  

In the contemporary context, marriage it is believed to be a psychosexual choice made to make one “happy.” Nothing could be further from the truth, as the massive amounts of divorce show. There is nothing with greater instability than a merely economic relationship based upon positive feelings, in which both parties are trying to receive their own maximum benefit, and which holds the power of life and death over innocent and unformed children. The price that has been exacted in millions of unbounded, hurting, alienated and psychopathic children, who are literally bringing the divorce-riddled society to its knees in a suicidal frenzy of revenge. Divorce does more to undermine and destroy culture and nations over time than any other social dynamic studied. The widespread acceptance of this tragic trend is the result of believing that marriage is a romantic decision, a project built upon the attraction and emotional fulfillment of two individuals, regardless of the broader social or natural context. 

Our culture’s confusion about the purpose of marriage is directly connected to its rejection of the inspiration and truth of the Holy Bible. Scripture clearly tells us that the purpose of marriage, to “leave and cleave”, is three-fold: 1) It is to become one with God and one another through obedience to God and His Law, 2) It is to raise righteous generations in the Covenant, obedient to God and loyal to one another, and 3) Ultimately, it is for us and our children’s salvation – “For she shall be saved in childbirth” (Genesis 3:16, I Timothy 2:12-15), “And thou shalt teach them [God’s Law] diligently unto thy children, and shalt talk of them when thou sittest in thine house, and when thou walkest by the way, and when thou liest down, and when thou risest up. “ (Deuteronomy 6:7) Therefore, there is a greater emphasis on marriage for the purpose of child rearing and integration into the Covenant of the People of God than for personal psychological and sexual gratification. 

  

If this mentality were to find a place in today’s world, the divorce rates would plummet, since it is clear that growing up in a broken home is psychologically devastating for children. If the purpose of the marriage is to raise children, then these irresponsible actions could not be casually justified as they are now. In this Biblical paradigm, marriage is seen primarily as an avenue towards procuring God’s Blessing, the “Fruit of the Womb”, which are children born into God’s Covenant. This insures the passing on of biological and religious/cultural information, the betterment of the human soul through love, accountability and interpersonal growth, and finally, the physical expression of caring and intimacy. Only in this setting is the orgasmic joy of committed, self-controlled, mature, mutually submitted and loving sexual expression experienced for the good of all and the stability of the family and society. In any other setting, the seeds of life, meant to be sown for the glory of God, turn into the seeds of destruction that lay waste to the land, elect evil rulers and worship false gods, passing our children to Baal and Molech through the fire of materialistic, humanistic, hedonistic human sacrifice! 

When marriage is for the creation of holy children, all our relational values change, and we understand how important it is for Christian couples to stay married and work through their difficulties with love, maturity, and self sacrifice.