The Reason People Leave

Sometimes Church Functions More Like a Revolving Door and Less Like a Holy Altar

By Bp. Joseph (Ancient Church of the West) 

"They went out from us, but they were not of us; for if they had been of us, they would no doubt have continued with us: but they went out, that they might be made manifest that they were not all of us." 

- I John 2:19

The Toxic Triad

Over the last few years, we have seen a revolving door of people come and people go. Each time, I’ve tried to bless them and allow them to move on without fear of me coming after them or trying to ruin their reputation. Sometimes it’s been hard, especially when people try to "salt the spring," but God has always given us grace to learn and grow from such experiences.  

Three things stand out to me about such people. In all of these painful breakups, we've seen that people have prioritized perceptions of...

Security 

Control 

Appreciation 

"Security" (the financial kind, not the kind that comes from an identity founded in Christ’s love) is sought by many who want a “professional ministry” supported by large groups of dependable givers. This can often be presented as an appeal to stability, which is a good thing, and grows out of obedience. The key difference between those who are angling for security and those who are attempting to live in stability is that those trying for security don't want to suffer, and they don’t ever want to have to stand alone or be an outsider, and so they gun for social positions that are reliable and have high status. The underlying motivation for this kind of orientation is fear. Christ addresses this when he says, “Fret not about tomorrow” in Matthew 6:34. St. Paul reminds us, “For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.” (2 Timothy 1:7) In the Church, we will always have suffering and difficulties, and those who try to use the Church to avoid it are mistaking the purpose and nature of the Church.

"Control" is found in both knowing a lot and also being a good communicator. Often, those of higher talent and intelligence seek these kinds of ministerial positions, manipulating others and trying to amass followers. It is presented as a desire to protect the faith from error, and insists that personal (or some school of thought) is the only valid approach to Christian tradition. The underlying reason for this is lust of power, and it is a serious problem amongst professional clergymen, who often stop just short of being cult leaders for their own benefit. This can be seen in the Pharisees who “bind heavy burdens and grievous to be borne, and lay them on men's shoulders; but they themselves will not move them with one of their fingers.” (Matthew 23:4) And also in those who “shut up the kingdom of heaven against men: for ye neither go in yourselves, neither suffer ye them that are entering to go in.” (Matthew 23:13) 

"Appreciation" is the desire to see oneself through the eyes of other people. The opposite of self-knowledge, this tendency confuses ones true self with what others can see of outward actions and performance. This performance-based self-perception can be seen clearly in those who make social media “apologetics” a major facet of their lives. It presents itself as true worthiness and superiority, normally of a system, and negates accusations of personal arrogance or pride. The pride of place is transferred to an organization or position, and then the personal identity is based on this position. The motivation for this is simply pride. This is shown by Pharisees who “love the uppermost seats in the synagogues, and greetings in the markets.” (Luke 11:43) and “who love to pray standing in the synagogues and in the corners of the streets, that they may be seen of men.” Jesus goes on to say, “Verily I say unto you, They have their reward.” (Matthew 6:4) We should not be “man-pleasers,” as St. Paul so clearly instructed servants (which we definitely are in our priestly capacity) - “Bondservants, be obedient to those who are your masters according to the flesh, with fear and trembling, in sincerity of heart, as to Christ; not with eyeservice, as men-pleasers, but as bondservants of Christ, doing the will of God from the heart, with goodwill doing service, as to the Lord, and not to men, knowing that whatever good anyone does, he will receive the same from the Lord, whether he is a slave or free.” (Ephesians 6:5-8)

The reason people leave the ministry of the Church is often associated with one or more of these underlying motivations being denied or defeated. Instead of Church being a place where one can put themselves down and truly learn to get past these tendencies by patiently serving others and laying down their lives for their friends, religiosity most often serves to hold up these areas of dysfunction and justify judgmental attitudes based on some deflecting issue. This is why, excluding real theological inquiry and a mature parting of ways based on principles, the excuses one hears about “heresy”, “liberalism” or “conservatism” are most often smokescreens that we use to hide the truth of lost fellowship from ourselves and others. We shouldn’t be easily pulled into such arguments, because, ultimately they are tools we use to manipulate others and blind ourselves from our own motivations. 

Learning to be a Good Loser 

I grew up in a very close, extremely conservative religious environment, where people lived their whole lives within the Church as the norm, and where leaving the Church usually meant that there was a deep rift and hurt feelings. When I started my ministry at the tender age of 24, I didn’t want to be like many of the leaders I knew growing up, who would try to smash, destroy and ruin the reputations of those who didn’t see eye to eye with them and left for other churches. I promised God that I wouldn’t pastor others in order to control them, and I also try to emulated my own father, a pastor for nearly 40 years, who was known for his kindness and gentleness in the ministry, and who chose to be hurt rather than hurting others. 

To many, this choice makes me a “loser,” and I’ve started to embrace being a loser intentionally, without bitterness, and without fear. The worst thing that can happen is that we die, and the “death rate is one apiece.” The old saying is that “you can’t make everyone like you all of the time.” I think it is more realistic to realize that only a very few people will ever like you. Period. It is better to minister to the few that need you, than to the many you are merely entertaining for a short time. 

My father also taught me something positive about being a "loser." To turn a negative into a positive, remember this acronym for what it really represents - 

Loving 

Obedient 

Serving 

Evangelizing 

Reconciling/Restoring 

Being a "loser" opens us up to voluntary identification with and submission to the Cross of Jesus Christ. It’s doing what Christ told us to do in Matthew 16:24 - “If anyone desires to come after Me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross, and follow Me." As we cease to be and Christ starts to manifest His life in us by the power of the Holy Spirit, we see that there are common attribute to those who are “losers” in this world and inheritor of the Coming Kingdom. They aren't in it for themselves. 

Identifying Sore Losers

In the last few years of episcopal ministry, I have heard a lot of reasons for people leaving our Church, and normally the reason that people come and the reason that people go are related. They are related in as much as the negative things that people said about previous churches become the negative things they say about us. When someone comes to me griping about “overly political”, “abusive bishops”, or about “not being used,” I know hear “I didn’t get my way”, “the Bishop didn’t give me what I wanted,” and “I’m hard to work with.” The truth is, people change very little, and first impressions are almost always correct. What little change we are capable of for the good is so hard won that we call it “Sanctification,” a radical transformation by the power of the Holy Spirit. 

This internal translation process has really helped me to set my expectations to a more realistic level. If someone comes in to our Church, wanting to “do something,” I know now that we are just a step in a perceptual ladder, and that they will leave as quickly as they came when “something better” comes along. When the canonical or titular becomes more important than the personal and the attitudinal, I find that Church hierarchy become a part of people’s mental furniture, a piece of their personal puzzle and a trophy in being “right”, rather than a lived praxis of spiritual accountability, sacramental sharing, and holiness. While I understand and empathize with the desire to become a part of a perceptual hierarchy, real hierarchies that function like this are unbearable and lifeless. What Christ calls us to is friendship, not an oppressive imperial mechanism run by insufferable eunuchs. 

Through this experience, I’ve realized that it doesn’t matter how much theology one “knows.” It doesn’t matter how much “unknowing” that someone believes. There is a dry scholasticism of mysticism within Orthodoxy, just as much as there is a dead and unholy Thomistic theology of categories. What matters is the soundness of one’s love and the faithfulness to stick it out in the midst of difficulty to uphold the sacramental aspects of lived Church life. All the trappings, titles, theological arguments, and mystical experiences are fruitless without love and humility. 

"Honey, people come and people go. The ministry is a revolving door. You try to keep people when you can, but everyone leaves when they want to. You have to get used to it and resign yourself to it. Sometimes, people leave before you are ready for them to go. Sometimes, people need to be run off for the good of the flock. No matter what, you're not in control, and everyone ends up leaving sometime." 

- Kh. Charles, Priests Wife of 50 Years

Understanding Limits

When love fails, communion breaks, and people go on to the next group, telling horror stories about you in the same way they told horror stories about those who came before you. This is why we must strive for love, stop telling horror stories, and knuckle down to do the real work of helping people who want and need us, rather than trying to impress the people who hate and judge us. This is why I tell our young seminarians to get rid of social media as much as they can, serve in soup kitchens and hospitals, get their hands dirty, and sweat more than fret. Online culture breeds pride and one-upmanship. Offline work with real people breeds quietness and compassion. 

This is also why we must look for love in people’s eyes and a sincere smile upon their faces, meet face to face, and go with our gut when new people show up, wanting to be a part of our ministry. Humility and love are hard to fake, impossible to teach, and are the bedrock of our Church ministry. We can only work with people who are willing to patiently lay down their lives, pick up their Crosses, and follow Christ, and no amount of knowledge or mystery will substitute for it! 

May your day be blessed!