Counseling Christians Recovering from Divorce

By Chorbishop Joseph (Anglican Vicariate)

The pastoral and lay Christian counselor often is called upon to prepare previously divorced people to try again in a second marriage. While it is extremely unfortunate, and can be damning to children involved in the divorce, our culture focuses on “trying again” rather than “living unto the Lord” as St. Paul recommends for those who have already been married (I Corinthians 7:10-11).  This is unfortunate that Evangelical, Fundamental and Mainline Churches have given over the high ground in not doing as the Early Church did, and demanding chastity and asceticism from those whose first marriages ended tragically in separation. It is called “separation” because Christ Himself gave very little room to consider the idea of divorce in Matthew 19:3-12, teaching that to be united with anyone other than the first spouse was “adultery.” It is important to remember this, that the Lord of Life and the Universe, our Savior, gave us instructions on the proper understanding of divorce. It is not a simple, culturally expedient, easily negotiated issue. Instead, it was expressly forbidden by our Creator, accept for the cause of “fornication”, which, in the cultural milieu of Judaism, meant that it was infidelity that occurred after engagement and before the consummation of the marriage. Once the marriage was consummated, the only out was death, which was, in the case of adultery, administered through the capital punishment of stoning for adulterous parties (mainly women, since the male part of the sinful act was almost impossible to prove, unless the couple were discovered in the act of adultery).  In the West, up into the Middle Ages, the Christian consensus was that sexual intimacy and “self-fulfillment” was impossible after divorce, leading to the common practice of joining a monastery and devoting one’s life to God after the first marital relationship had fallen apart.  In the Christian East, however, especially in Byzantium, the attitudes changed over time and divorce for the reason of infertility was accepted, based upon the idea that marriage was, primarily for the purpose of children, and that a marriage without children was “technically” a social contract and not a covenant.            (John A. McGuckin. “The Ascent of Christian Law”, St. Vladimir’s Seminary Press, 2012, pgs 70-77)

Considering this background, there is very little historical or theological justification for marrying divorced couples, unless it is to reunite and strengthen people in the desire to re-ignite their previous marriage. This, unfortunately, within the culture today, even amongst “Bible Believing” churches, is not seen as realistic or expedient. Thus, we have churches full of divorce, people “living in adultery” according to the words of Christ, who are seen as “normal”, “contributing” and “full accepted” into the social, moral and communal structure of the church. This compromise creates devastating problems, across the culture, not just in the church, and makes believers an accomplice to the moral rot and deep alienation of children and young people in the contemporary world.

How to handle this problem of counseling divorcees is a point of great contention amongst believers today. Many of the more traditional would demand that those who are divorced and remarry cease from living as husband and wife, and live life as St. Paul recommends, “Unto the Lord.” However, once the marriage has occurred, the majority of Fundamentalists would accept it as “second best” and work from there, requiring repentance and reconciliation to the church and to the previous parties involved, hoping that this would be able to bring healing and preserve the current relationship for the greater good of the family. The Evangelicals would merely note that it was not ideal, is striven with many difficulties, and will take many years to recover, focusing very little on the sin and very much on the grace, hoping that comforting, pastoral kindness would eventually be able to bring healing to the relationship. Mainline Denominations, assuming the same values of the culture around them, look as divorce in primarily psychological terms and work towards counseling the “abused party” (which both parties always are), assuring them of God’s love and acceptance, and completely rejecting the idea that a second or third marriage might be sinful or inferior. Because of the way our society is structured, it is easy for a divorced and intending to remarry to merely move from one “church” to the other, selecting their denomination based on expedience. This makes many pastors very hesitant to take a “strong position” or a “hard line”, since it risks church membership and giving.  Mainly due to this, even Fundamentalist pastors have become less demanding or theologically oriented than their predecessors, and all believers struggle morally as a result. 

If one were attempting to be completely consistent with both Scripture and its traditional interpretation in the Church, one would have to urge a couple coming for pastoral counsel after a divorce to strongly consider not remarrying. Marriage, as a sacred institution, given by God and loaded with theological, moral and legal constraints, is a deadly serious institution for the life, health and wisdom of children and the family, and cannot be treated lightly. Reconciliation with the first spouse must always be the first priority. If this is impossible, then living for God in a life of self-sacrificial ministry and prayer must be the second, ideal, option. For those who refuse to submit to this, but procure a marriage in some other church or in a civil court, they have already removed themselves from under the scope of one’s pastoral or lay counseling ministry. However, for those who have ignorantly procured a second marriage, who have been divorced and remarried before conversion, or who were misled by other Christians in seeing that it was permissible, those who come into the church and sincerely repent must be forgiven and their current marriages must be kept intact, trusting God to hear their cries of repentance and their acknowledgment of sin, foolishness and a recognition that such a state is not ideal or to be welcomed by the Church. For these couples, who are very rare, a pastoral, post-fact counseling can be arranged, that focuses on picking up the spiritual, emotional and psychological pieces that have occurred because of the tragedy of divorce.